ll too often it seems hard to find the courage to really ask the questions that matter most. There are times when I try and even though it takes me deep, answers do come to me. Daring to really ask the more uneasy questions allows us to see life, pain, loneliness, and injustice... in an amazing healing perspective. Sadly practical life has become so much about hiding our hearts, you see? Beneath all covering layers we all seek for belonging, connection, and understanding but we’ve become afraid of our emotions because we got hurt once before. From there on we began to suppress them.
It is the middle of a winter night and silently I sit in the dark, but I feel as if warm sunlight shines upon me, from within me. Even though there is no one else around, I feel so connected and together. A heaviness on my heart has lifted. I know this is a moment to simply rejoice and let the sensation heal me and fill me with trust. The state I am in now is like a place or frequency where I can go to with the questions of my heart, spirit, and soul.
I love the whispers of the night. They show me things more clearly. Before I would often take one of my close friends out on long walks into the forest at night. We wouldn't turn on any light and it felt like coming back to real life; that of the senses, of the heart. Out there was plenty of space for magic because when surrounded by shades of gray, the mind could no longer dominate.
Many of us know already that we have begun to awaken. Although others around do not and continue their routine lives without asking questions or the risk of sticking out their heads above the field. The process is often hard and there are moments we end up doubting ourselves and wondering if there is something wrong with us for being different and seeming not to be able to join the “normal game”. Yes, it sometimes hurts but once you’ve heard it, you cannot deny the calling of your soul.
On this path, you will surely lose people you love, for with some things there simply is no more pretending… It leaves us bare and vulnerable, which is incredibly raw and harsh. Trying to walk the path of awareness involves exposure and breaking off all that is an illusion and no longer real. At times the idea of going back or trying to play things the old way seems attractive or safe. Or to hide by numbing and paralyzing ourselves with addictions but there is no undoing of what you have come to know inside. Still, deep within you carry a profoundly new sense of trust, an intuitive knowing that it cannot be any other way.
From where we now stand, the unaware patterns of society all around us make no sense. That’s because we have come to see them for what they are; insane. They turn out to be webs of fear and egoic identifications with illusions. By now we know that the soul shows itself clearest in times of pain; tragedy, abandonment, loneliness, violence, denial and judgement, as well as in moments where we meet great beauty through art, music, landscapes, rich flavors, or the fresh water of a waterfall, fog hanging over the hills, clouds playing with the moonlight. Knock knock, it is the door to home!
At times we try protecting ourselves from the world and need time to heal… The journey towards wholeness can be bloody scary, relentlessly painful, bitter and strip away old protective layers. It can leave you feeling empty and lonely, while continuously confronting and poking at you with sharp needles. Stress and fear turn our stomach, compress our chest and block our throat. I have so long wondered why the hell we never seem to have permission to feel pain?! I see so much denial and suppression... Long enough, strong enough until we have become totally alienated from such essential parts of our being human, of ourselves.
Pain and sadness have an attractive side as well. Deep down we build up curiosity for those feelings after pointlessly trying to deny them for too long. If you were allowed, wouldn’t you desire to really be with it, feel it until the core, all the way to the bottom if you had to? If you had permission? Sadly enough, and upsetting enough as well, the people who care for us, try to pick us up, put us back on track, encourage us to give in to “common sense” and focus on what they are taught to believe is worth living for... It seems to me, that it’s all just quick fixes. Our heart strongly knows that the answers to its questions lie in the depth of the pain’s calling! Positive thinking, distractions, prescribed pills, and a shit load of “I’m fine, can’t complain”, does not answer the heart’s calling.
Once I have let myself fall all the way down. Big questions had been weighing on my heart increasingly heavy for several years and although I really tried, I had not found any answer that really answered to my aching. The strange workings of the world with its endless chatter and contradictions made no sense to me anymore. It all seemed like a broken radio tuned into numerous channels at once while not receiving any of them clearly. I couldn’t hold on to nonsensical logic or my old way of living according to it. By letting go of everything I was left only with great matters of life and existence and then I fell down into what felt like a well. I even let the last thread slip, falling faster and deeper until I reached the very bottom. On the way down I was stripped of all I was, of all I still loved as well as of all what I dreadfully hated. When I arrived at the lowest point, all was dark and I felt bare naked.
Then slowly I sank even deeper, through the bottom, which was like a hatch door. I felt getting lighter and discovered that gravity had seized to exist and down was no longer down. While I opened the door everything shifted and turned upside down, inside out… To the point where black became white. I went through the opening and to my amazement, the other side turned out to be on the peak of an enormous mountain. I stepped onto white snow and bright sunlight shone upon me.
I had dissolved into the big questions that had taken me down and as I had gone through the depth of despair and loneliness, I came to a dimension of complete stillness, outside of time and space. Here seconds felt like years, so slow and ages passed by in the blink of an eye. I saw all that was, is, and ever will be and finally knew that all is indeed present at once, together, all perfectly intertwined. And from that point of view, it all even made complete sense! There I witnessed answers, all the answers and more than I even had questions about. Life includes all! There is nothing outside of life. It's all endless loops of energy bursting out and in; magnetizing, charging and vibrating. Stretching out into fields on which pockets of energy collide and form into bundles and through that manifest into matter. Even that what makes up stones, vibrates at immense speed, wings of butterflies are earthquakes and the tides and floods of oceans and hurricanes are hardly more than a whisper. And yes, all, ALL, revealed itself to be deeply connected.
These are not just fancy words but I write this from a place where pain and peace merge with gentle joy. A place of intuitive compassion and boundless knowing. I know words can feel so dry and limiting. They are merely anchors and arrows aiming at the abstract where beyond silence lies all which is so very feelable and makes up the essential parts of the life experience.
Listening to the calling of your heart I believe, in the bigger picture is the only thing that really matters in our lives. It’s just a few years we wander around in this body. We don’t need any longer to be so constricted by the noise of confusion around us. We aren’t confused, we know, and we know that we know. No need to bother others with what they don’t recognise. It will only confront and upset them. Everyone gets there in their own time. It is about time that we step out of the traps of false apologies and excuses. Quit playing small. There is no more need to resist and confuse growth and self-expression with the struggle of pushing or pulling.
Sacrifice is no longer noble. We have finally come to a new time where you can give, simply and only from that what you really have to share, from that of which you have a lot. Not trying to squeeze out your last drop of something that doesn’t even grow within you.
Life knows where it best grows! That's the place from where each drop freely flows. Not trough overcoming separation or still pushing against the same walls. Nor by trying to fit in or still spreading yourself more thinly.
There is always a choice, a direction that sparks the very center of your heart, in that silent second before the noises of the mind start!
It isn’t all that complicated, this we have just come to believe. Wisdom and authenticity can be pure and simple at the same time. But yes, for this clarity it seems we need to get stretched, to expand and that can only happen if we let go of small concepts and limiting beliefs. We all need to reach our own top of the mountain as well as to descend into the dark debts of our doubts and fears. I guess that is the journey of the Soul.
It seems when acting out of fear, we try to preserve, save, and protect. But there is nothing we really can protect. The journey is unpredictable by nature and eventually, all will come to pass, break apart and be turned around inside out. But that is half of the story as on the other side there is attraction, collision, melting and merging. And thus rebirth. We cannot hold onto beauty, and truly it cannot be copied, repeated or unnaturally prolonged. Because it is always completely and utterly new. But still, when we experience the endlessly unique expressions of beauty there somehow is a deep sense of recognition, remembering and familiarity… of Home.