These Hurts

Whispers of the Heart
January 8, 2018
Sitting for Sanity
May 19, 2018
 
When there is pain, it means there is healing going on. If there is a fracture, but little pain, it means the body cannot heal it by itself. The hurt in the swelling is where our heart beats stronger. Many bone fractures hurt much less then bruises do. That's because those need support from outside to heal.
So with any kind of pain, I am learning that it's best to be with it, not to look away, to give it permission, and to feel it fully, however scary. Because suppressing it under a layer of positivity or denying it through bitterness, leads down a much scarier path. Dare to be gentle, dare to feel it all, dare to be real. At times with the support of a good friend. I will try.
 
O h how I’ve been running. In a hurry to get somewhere, or so it seemed, but where to? That I couldn’t get clear. Chasing things I convinced myself was so very important. Short of breath, always a league ahead of my feet, wrapped up in thought… in confusion… delusion. I was trying to fix something, anything. In truth, something that was lost long ago.

Gosh, how I have been running. Trying to get away from my past, from myself at last. Feeling left alone, cold. Lucky enough to find others cross my path, who were just as lost or even more. Sudden sparks of connection, recognizing one another. A brief break in the clouds, guided by fleeting smiles. As it turns out, I was not alone in feeling alone for somehow so many of us end up feeling alone together. Heartbroken side by side, unable to reach out. Hard to grasp just how we got here. Little scratches on a clear surface, dust got stuck with the needle dragging over the record, that played over and over for days on end.

Cold, we are. We are. Baby we’re lost, come home with me and we will walk until a new day will break.

Does it have to be like this, is pain really the other side of love? The same energy merely just flowing inwards or expanding out… And if I don’t allow myself to feel it, do I dim my light and will my life force keep on draining?

The scratch cut deeper and wider over time. A huge crack forcing itself to the surface until finally a landslide, the ground breaking up and we will be faced to look into the abyss. The pitch black void down there, the emptiness inside of us, filled with what we left behind. Now we come to finally reveal these shades with our light.

If you want, I can show you there is a way out. These roses of doubt need a raincloud, to grow towards the light.

Oh, how these images of what has past still claim my heart, the joy, the sparks, the clashes and the hurt. Love sought a way out but found a bitter tongue. Ears that cannot hear for doors are closed. Eyes that look away and not within. Them, they, you, me… Where did it go wrong?

This is me. This is all I am now, this is what I feel. Can you bare to watch? Do you dare to look? Do I even? Or do I keep running in circles around my heart? Lack of language, words tied up in knots somewhere in my chest. In and out it says. But I can't find air.

I feel polluted, surrounded by confusion. What have we done, what have I become? How did I let it come to this? Where was my love for you when I spoke of your wrongs and my rights?
Cold we are. For I was lost. Where did you go? Are you somewhere out there still? Does this road lead home? Maybe after all it does.

Sometimes I see it, that all of this is mine. It is all my creation and it has always been me, who decided what it all meant. Growing up, learn just a little more, love just a little more.

Tell me why we hide, on the sideline of our life. Show me what it’s like with the worries off your chest. We will try to overcome. I will try.


 
Haevn - We Are

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