Behind the Masquerade

Sitting for Sanity
May 19, 2018
Permission to Feel
March 24, 2019
 
"When you feel life coming down on you, like a heavy weight. When you feel this crazy society adding to the strain. Take a stroll to the nearest waters and remember your place. Many moons have risen and fallen long before you came." —Xavier Rudd
 
N

eeding to know it all better than others. I just caught myself doing it again and this is such an old pattern of mine... For so long I thought there was no other way and that I simply had to. It was a matter of survival to claim my space, a way of protecting myself and this went completely unconscious. It was also the way I had been taught; to be quick and smart. That is how things often went in our home and especially at school. I have always had skinny posture so I physical strength wasn’t my virtue. On top of that, I began feeling increasingly insecure. So I retreated to my own ‘drawing room’ where I tried to make sense of the world.

I felt bullied and excluded. Daily situations and places all felt so unsafe and overwhelming and I thought I had to arm myself. But not in a visible way... No, then I would be spotter so I couldn’t draw any attention to me.

I relied on intellect and reasoning and gathered as much information as possible about the strange ways of the world. In that way I would be prepared for the unpredictable; for the sharp looks, the chuckles behind my back, and I thought I could protect myself from the deep disappointment when for the umpteenth time I would be chosen last at sports. Those things can have a big impact on a child you know.

What was I worth, if no one seemed to care about who I was? Who was I if my natural way of being seemed unwanted?
I got sucked into the social game of comparison and judgment and gosh, teenage years can sometimes be ruthless. There was hardly any time to adjust or acclimatize. One day I was a boy who looked at the world full of wonder, a child, and suddenly I had gotten entangled in a web of strange rules, behaviors, and hormones.

My safe home felt like it was shrinking as the world got bigger and bigger. Where did those days of innocence go? Of freedom, where I dashed off into the sunny summer? Where was the time when every day brought a new adventure?

Life became more serious, rules more strict and unremitting stories and fears made led me to believe that growing up is about sacrifice. "No more room for nonsense ..." seemed the guideline. But how could that be which felt so natural and joyful to me, be banished?
To play, dance and fool around?! Led by my imagination, the leading role in a continuously new journey of discovery. That is how I approached life in the beginning. "Non" sense? To me, it made complete sense!

Bliss

Years later I heard something that stayed with me for a long time. It was something that Alan Watts said... That if we do what we love most, we will want to put all our energy into it. Once we do that, we will naturally become very good at it. It starts as a calling and turns into a craft. Then after years of dedication, we become a master at it and mastery will be recognized by others. Then people will ask us for help and are willing to reward us generously for our services.

A wonderful idea… that has slowly started to affect me. I sense it relates to my infant, pure state of being. Of course, it is true that if we want something in life we will ​​have to adjust and align ourselves accordingly. For me, this meant that I had to start making choices. Although it’s not anymore a ‘have to’. As it turns out, in reality, nothing is ultimately obligatory. And that's what I've been fighting for a long time; I no longer believe in 'extrinsic' motives. A real drive comes from the inside, within.

Sometimes we have to get lost, far from that point, from ourselves. I pushed myself to burn out myself by endlessly trying to adjust to everything and everyone. By nodding yes and swallowing. Retreating, while at night I cried myself to sleep. Every step outside took me further away from myself.

I did not understand the strange social game, nor my role in it. So how could I participate in it? Others seemed to understand it better than I did or maybe they didn’t even bother to ask themselves what it was all about. Did they accept that much of the time things don’t make any bloody sense and that often the game is rigged?

So-called daily life to me was one big masquerade, gossip, fake courtesy, and suppressed emotions... Everyone pretended to be something different than they really were and how they truly felt because that is how they had been taught. Survive and grab what possible, as quick as you can. It seemed the survival of the fittest, friend or foe were apparently the only options.

My sense of security depended on every look towards me or comments others made about me. How could I have let it happen that my remote control gat in the hands of random people? I couldn’t stand to wear a mask that didn’t suit me. But without one, it was as if anyone could see straight through me.
I had a deep fear that I would get caught and rejected. Because I had hidden behind a mask of invisibility.
Although, that was not my only strategy because at the same time I dyed my hair vibrant red(!) So another side of me very much wanted to be seen and seemed to scream for recognition and a little acknowledgment.

Disappointments and self-rejection led to distrust. I had withdrawn too far and let contact with the outside world slip... But I also drifted off far from my natural state of being. Desperately, I tried to survive by going through my thought searching did I go wrong. Where had I overlooked the solution? I became convinced that order could be restored. That it should be and that this was my assignment.

I made up my mind and decided I was going to prove that I was worth something. My approach changed drastically and I began to pursue my passions again. But this was not driven by an intrinsic motive because even though I learned a lot about myself and life, there was this deep urge to make sure everyone knew what valuable things I had found. As if I had to convince the world that I mattered.

Although I had come quite a long way; the fear that I didn’t belong anywhere, had been replaced for the conviction that I now had to make my own place in this world. But still it was a struggle, a fight I have been in for too long. However, now it was clearly a struggle with myself. After all, I began to understand that all judgments are basically focussed on ourselves and the same counts for someone who would judge me. Judging is primarily a dialogue between me and myself and you and yourself.

I struggled for years thinking it was the right thing to do. At times I still catch myself doing it. Then I get convinced I have to be strict with myself in order to get something done, like a project for a new client, my financial safety, house cleaning, the food, my health. I now see that I was equally strict when it came to relaxing and getting rest; sent myself to bed while the rebel in me in its turn turned against it. Such inner conflict! It was as if I were playing parent and child with myself. A kind of pushing and pulling between reason and desire. But this was so exhausting.

Eventually, I condemned and restrained many of my natural needs. I now see clearly how I’ve tried to manage everything in my mind and super-fast thinking. I rushed past myself; bypassing my emotions and going much faster than my body could keep up with. But I’ve done that long enough.
Too long did I drag a bolder of fears and negative self-talk behind me. The pursuit of control and perfection exhausted me and got me sick.

Of course! Because no matter how much I did my best to logically understand the world and interpret my feelings, I hadn’t dared to actually surrender to them and with that, I resisted life itself! Life around me and what was alive within me... I had still approached life through ideas of separation. How had I come to resist everything which felt unexpected or unknown for so long? While that is the very thing which inspires, what astonishes, offers perspective, provides hope and gives new life! What a strange paradox. Perhaps it is like beauty, which can never be reconstructed but each time feels so familiar.

Old friends

In recent years I have been in contact with two old acquaintances. At first, we got off to a difficult start, and we had quite some judgments about one another. But fortunately we were willing to set aside at our differences and now we begin to see the things we have in common.
We invest in our relationship and are learning to be more open about our expectations of each other. It’s giving and taking at times, but we are able to connect way more sincerely and our bond is getting stronger. We have more patience with each other, listen to what the other needs and it’s becoming a close friendship. I am very grateful we resumed our contact as we know each other from way back when... Who are these two friends you might wonder? They are my Emotions and my Body.
My mind has worked overtime. Structurally for a long time and it is a great relief to be able to pass over the control of my thoughts to these two worthy 'partners'.

Scientists recently came up with their discovery that our intestines also have a neural network. As that may be, this does not mean that I should also want to be a "smart ass".

For some time I have been meditating daily and this practice is clearly showing me that an overloaded mind runs gets carries away by anything and practically gets caught up in even the slightest distraction. It made me realise that my first thought that pops up is often merely a superficial impulse as are mostly my second and third thoughts. Only after those, I touch onto my deeper intuition and compassion.
Even as I'm not sitting on my pillow, I can more easily oversee the repetitive patterns in my thinking throughout the day. And it’s getting easier to relax once I see this happen because in the by now I know that my mind’s behavior is neither good nor bad and that there is more than that.

And about my responsibilities? I now know that these are my own choices and see; the more I forgive myself and the more friendly I am with myself, everything gets easier. My interactions become more pure, I have an increased sense of inner peace and much more space to breathe. A huge relief.

V

ol overtuiging, het beter willen weten. Ik betrapte mezelf er zonet weer op en sjonge, wat is het een oud patroon van me... Lange tijd dacht ik geen andere keuze te hebben; het was een kwestie van overleven. Ik moest mijn ruimte claimen en een manier vinden om mezelf te beschermen, het ging compleet onbewust. Ik kreeg het ook zo aangeleerd, om snel en bijdehand te zijn. Zo ging het vaak bij ons in huis en vooral op school. Ik was altijd mager van postuur dus hoefde het niet te hebben van mijn fysieke kracht. Daarbij werd ik enorm onzeker dus trok ik me terug in mijn eigen ‘tekenkamer’ waar ik probeerde de wereld logischer af te schetsen.

I voelde me gepest en buitengesloten. Dagelijkse situaties en plaatsen voelden zo onveilig en overweldigend en ik dacht dat ik me moest wapenen. Maar niet op een zichtbare manier… nee, want dan zou ik opvallen en worden gesnapt. Koste wat kost geen aandacht op me vestigen.

Ik klom in mijn bovenkamer en verzamelde van daaruit zoveel mogelijk informatie over de vreemde wegen van de wereld. Dan was ik voorbereid, op het onvoorspelbare; op de scherpe blikken, het gegrinnik achter mijn rug om, en zo dacht ik me te kunnen beschermen tegen de diepe teleurstelling als ik voor de zoveelste keer als laatste zou worden gekozen bij de sportles. Realiseer je je wat een impact zulke dingen kunnen hebben op een kind?

Wat was ik waard als niemand me leek te mogen om wie ik was? Wie was ik als mijn natuurlijke manier van zijn niet gewenst leek?
Ik werd opgezogen in het sociale spel van vergelijking en oordeel en sjonge, wat was pubertijd soms meedogenloos. Er was amper tijd om te wennen of te acclimatiseren. Zo was ik een jongetje dat vol verwondering naar de wereld keek, een kind, en zo raakte ik verstrikt in een web van vreemde regels, gedragingen, en hormonen.

Mijn veilige thuis leek te krimpen en de wereld werd steeds groter. Waar waren plots die dagen van onschuld, vrijheid, en onbevangen de zonnige zomer tegemoet gaan? Waar was de tijd van elke dag weer een nieuw avontuur?

Het leven werd serieuzer, regels strikter en onophoudende verhalen en angst deden me geloven dat opgroeien draait om opoffering. “Geen ruimte meer voor nonsense…” leek het reglement. Maar hoe kon dat voor mij als zo natuurlijk en vreugdevol voelde, worden verbannen? Spelen, dansen en lollen?! Geleid door mijn fantasie, de hoofdrol in steeds een nieuwe ontdekkingsreis. Dat is hoe ik het leven tegemoet ging in het begin. "Non" sense? Voor mij was het complete sense!

Passie

Jaren later hoorde ik iets dat me lang is bijgebleven. Het was iets dat Alan Watts zei... Dat als we doen wat we werkelijk het liefste doen, dan willen we er al onze energie in steken. Als we dat doen, worden we er vanzelf heel goed in. Het begint als een roeping en wordt een ambacht. Na jaren van toewijding worden we meester in het vak en meesterschap wordt herkent door anderen. Vervolgens klopt men bij ons aan voor hulp en is bereid ons rijkelijk voor onze diensten te belonen.

Een prachtig idee… dat langzaam op me is gaan inwerken en het verwees indirect naar mijn jonge, pure staat van zijn. Natuurlijk is het zo, dat als we iets willen in het leven we ons daarop moeten instellen en afstemmen. Voor mij betekende dit dat ik keuzes moest gaan maken. Hoewel het geen kwestie meer was van moeten. Ten slotte moet niets in werkelijkheid, zo blijkt en dat is iets waar ik lang voor heb gevochten; ik geloof niet meer in ‘extrinsieke’ beweegredenen. Een echte drive komt van binnenuit, binnenin.

Soms moeten we ver verwijderd raken van dat punt; van onszelf. Ik brandde mezelf op door me eindeloos proberen aan te passen. Door ja te knikken en weg te slikken. Terwijl ik mezelf ’s nachts in slaap huilde en me steeds verder terugtrok. Elke stap naar buiten bracht me verder bij mezelf vandaan.

Ik begreep het vreemde sociale spel niet, noch mijn rol erin dus hoe kon ik daarin meedoen? Anderen leken het beter te begrijpen dan ik of misschien vroegen ze zich niet eens meer af waar het überhaubt om draaide. Hadden ze zich erbij neergelegd dat dingen waak nergens op slaan en het meestal toch doorgestoken kaart is?

Het zogenaamde dagelijks leven was voor mij een groot gemaskerd bal, geroddel, valse hoffelijkheid en onderdrukte emoties… Iedereen deed zich anders voor dan ze werkelijk waren en hoe ze zich echt voelden, want zo hadden ze het geleerd. Overleven en pakken wat je pakken kan, zo snel als je kunt. Het leek de wet van de sterkste en vriend of vijand waren blijkbaar de enige opties.

Mijn gevoel van veiligheid hing af van elke blik of opmerking die een ander maakte richting mij. Hoe had ik het zover laten komen dat willekeurige mensen mijn afstandsbediening in handen hadden gekregen? Ik wilde geen masker dragen dat me niet paste maar zonder, was het alsof eenieder dwars door me heen kon zien.
Een diepe angst die ik had, was dat ik zou worden betrapt en afgewezen. Want ik had me verstopt achter een masker van onzichtbaar proberen te zijn.
Hoewel, dat was niet mijn enige strategie, want gelijktijdig verfde ik mijn haar knalrood, letterlijk(!) Dus een andere kant van mij wilde juist wel worden gezien en leek te schreeuwen om herkenning, een beetje erkenning.

Teleurstellingen en zelfafwijzing zorgden voor wantrouwen. Te ver had ik me teruggetrokken en het contact met de buitenwereld laten wegglippen… Maar ook was ik ver afgedreven van mijn natuurlijke staat van zijn. Wanhopig probeerde ik te overleven door in mijn gedachten na te gaan waar het fout was gegaan. Waar had ik de oplossing over het hoofd gezien? Ik raakte ervan overtuigd dat orde kon worden hersteld en dat dit mijn opdracht was.

Ten slotte besloot ik dat ik wel iets waard was en zou dit gaan bewijzen. Mijn aanpak veranderde drastisch en ik begon mijn passies weer na te jagen. Maar dit was niet vanuit een intrinsieke drijfveer want hoewel ik veel leerde over mijzelf en het leven, was er een must om alle waardevolle dingen die ik ontdekte aan de grote klok te hangen. Iedereen moest het weten alsof ik de wereld ervan moest overtuigen dat ik ertoe deed.

Het was toch al een hele weg geweest; de angst dat ik nergens thuishoorde had plaats gemaakt voor de overtuiging dat ik dan mijn eigen plek moest en zou maken. Maar nog steeds was het een gevecht, en een strijd die ik te lang heb gevoerd. Echter was het nu duidelijk vooral een strijd met mezelf. Ik begon immers in te zien dat alle oordelen als eerste naar onszelf zijn gericht en hetzelfde geldt voor een ander die zich op mij afreageert. Oordelen is vooral een dialoog tussen mij en mezelf en jou en jezelf.

Die strijd voerde ik jarenlang met mezelf, denkende dat ik er goed aan deed en ook nu nog doe ik het geregeld. Dan raak ik ervan overtuigd dat ik streng moet zijn naar mezelf om iets gedaan te krijgen, zoals een opdracht voor een nieuwe klant, mijn financiële zekerheid, de schoonmaak, het eten, en mijn gezondheid. Ik zie nu dat ik zelfs streng was als het ging om ontspanning en rust; mezelf naar bed stuurde terwijl de rebel in mij zich daar dan juist weer tegen afzette. Wat een innerlijk conflict! Het was alsof ik ouder en kind met mezelf speelde. Een soort duwen en trekken tussen verstand en verlangen. Maar wat was dat vermoeiend.

Op den duur, ging ik daardoor ook weer mijn natuurlijke behoeften veroordelen en inperken. Met razendsnelle gedachten probeerde ik alles te managen in mijn mind. Ik raasde aan mezelf voorbij; aan mijn emoties en ging veel sneller dan mijn lichaam kon bijhouden. Maar het is genoeg geweest nu. Ik sleepte met een blok angsten en negatieve zelfpraat. Het streven naar controle en perfectie putte me uit en maakte me ziek.

Natuurlijk! Want hoe ik ook mijn best had gedaan om met verstand de wereld te begrijpen en mijn gevoelens te interpreteren, ik had me er niet aan over durven geven. Daarmee verzette ik me tegen het leven zelf, het leven om me heen en wat er leefde in mij! Nog steeds dacht ik in afscheiding. Hoe kwam het dat ik me zo lang had verzet tegen alles dat onverwacht of onbekend aanvoelde? Terwijl dat juist is wat inspireert, verwondert, perspectief biedt, hoop geeft en wat nieuw leven inblaast! Wat een vreemd paradox. Misschien is het net als schoonheid, dat nooit kan worden gereconstrueerd maar toch steeds weer zo vertrouwd aanvoelt.

Oude bekenden

De laatste jaren ben ik in contact met twee oude bekenden. Eerst kwam het moeizaam op gang want we hadden nogal wat oordelen over elkaar maar gelukkig waren we bereid onze verschillen opzij te zetten. Nu beginnen we te zien wat we wel gemeen hebben.
We investeren in onze relatie en leren om open te zijn over onze verwachtingen naar elkaar. Dat is soms geven en nemen maar intussen raken we beter op elkaar afgestemd en is onze band steeds sterker. We hebben meer geduld met elkaar, luisteren naar wat de ander nodig heeft en er bouwt een goede vriendschap op. Ik ben erg dankbaar dat we het contact weer hebben opgepakt want we kennen elkaar al van heel ver terug... Wie zijn deze twee vrienden vraag je je af? Het zijn mijn Emoties en mijn Lichaam.
Mijn mind heeft overuren gedraaid. ‘Overjaren’ zou ik zeggen en het is een grote opluchting om de controle van mijn gedachten te kunnen overdragen aan deze twee waardige 'partners'.

Wetenschappers kwamen recent met hun ontdekking dat ons darmstelsel ook een neuronetwerk heeft. Maar dit betekent nog niet dat ik daarmee ook een "smart ass" moet willen zijn.

Al enige tijd mediteer ik dagelijks en dit laat duidelijk zien dat een overbelastte mind met alles aan de haal gaat en in elke afleiding wordt meegesleept. Zo zie ik dat mijn eerste gedachte die opspringt, veelal alleen een oppervlakkige impuls is en mijn tweede of derde gedachten vaak ook. Pas daarachter kom ik in verbinding met mijn diepere intuïtie en compassie.
Ook als ik niet op m'n kussentje zit overzie ik gedurende de dag gemakkelijker de herhalende patronen in mijn denken. Het lukt me steeds beter om te ontspannen wanneer ik het zie gebeuren dat oordelen en vergelijkingen weer opborrelen, want intussen weet ik dat mijn mind’s gedachtenspinsels noch goed, noch fout zijn en dat er meer is dan dat.

En mijn verantwoordingen? Ik weet nu dat dit mijn eigen keuzes zijn en zie; hoe meer ik mezelf vergeef en naarmate ik vriendelijker met mezelf omga, alles gaat gemakkelijker. Mijn interacties worden zuiverder, ik voel meer innerlijke rust en ademruimte. Een hele opluchting.

 
N eeding to know it all better than others. I just caught myself doing it again and this is such an old pattern of mine...

For so long I thought there was no other way and that I simply had to. It was a matter of survival to claim my space, a way of protecting myself and this went completely unconscious. It was also the way I had been taught; to be quick and smart. That is how things often went at our home and especially at school. I have always had skinny posture so I physical strength wasn’t my virtue. On to pof that I began feeling increasingly insecure. So I retreated to my own ‘drawing room’ where I tried to make sense of the world.

I felt bullied and excluded. Daily situations and places all felt so unsafe and overwhelming and I thought I had to arm myself. But not in a visible way... No, then I would be spotter so I couldn’t draw any attention to me.

I relied on intellect and reasoning and gathered as much information as possible about the strange ways of the world. In that way I would be prepared for the unpredictable; for the sharp looks, the chuckles behind my back, and I thought I could protect myself from the deep disappointment when for the umpteenth time I would be chosen last at sports. Those things can have a big impact on a child you know.

What was I worth, if no one seemed to care about who I was? Who was I if my natural way of being seemed unwanted?
I got sucked into the social game of comparison and judgment and gosh, teenage years can sometimes be ruthless. There was hardly any time to adjust or acclimatize. One day I was a boy who looked at the world full of wonder, a child, and suddenly I had gotten entangled in a web of strange rules, behaviors, and hormones.

My safe home felt like it was shrinking as the world got bigger and bigger. Where did those days of innocence go? Of freedom, where I dashed of into the sunny summer? Where was the time when every day brought a new adventure?

Life became more serious, rules more strict and unremitting stories and fears made led me to believe that growing up is about sacrifice. "No more room for nonsense ..." seemed the guideline. But how could that be which felt so natural and joyful to me, be banished?
To play, dance and fool around?! Led by my imagination, the leading role in a continuously new journey of discovery. That is how I approached life in the beginning. "Non" sense? For me it made complete sense!
Bliss
Years later I heard something that stayed with me for a long time. It was something that Alan Watts said... That if we do what we love most, we will want to put all our energy into it. Once we do that, we will naturally become very good at it. It starts as a calling and turns into a craft. Then after years of dedication, we become a master at it and mastery will be recognized by others. Then people will ask us for help and are willing to reward us generously for our services.

A wonderful idea… that has slowly started to affect me. I sense it relates to my infant, pure state of being. Of course it is true that if we want something in life we will ​​have to adjust and align ourselves accordingly. For me, this meant that I had to start making choices. Although it’s not anymore a ‘have to’. As it turns out, in reality nothing is ultimately obligatory. And that's what I've been fighting for a long time; I no longer believe in 'extrinsic' motives. A real drive comes from the inside, within.

Sometimes we have to get lost, far from that point, from ourselves. I pushed myself to burn out myself by endlessly trying to adjust to everything and everyone. By nodding yes and swallowing. Retreating, while at night I cried myself to sleep. Every step outside took me further away from myself.

I did not understand the strange social game, nor my role in it. So how could I participate in it? Others seemed to understand it better than I did or maybe they didn’t even bother to ask themselves what it was all about. Did they accept that much of the time things don’t make any bloody sense and that often the game is rigged?

So-called daily life to me was one big maskerade, gossip, fake courtesy and suppressed emotions... Everyone pretended to be something different than they really were and how they truly felt, because that is how they had been taught. Survive and grab what possible, as quick as you can. It seemed the survival of the fittest, friend or foe were apparently the only options.

My sense of security depended on every look towards me or comments others made about me. How could I have let it happen that my remote control gat in the hands of random people? I couldn’t stand to wear a mask that didn’t suit me. But without one, it was as if anyone could see straight through me.
I had the deep fear that that I would get caught and rejected. Because I had hidden behind a mask of invisibility.
Although, that was not my only strategy, because at the same time I dyed my hair vibrant red(!) So another side of me very much wanted to be seen and seemed to scream for recognition and a little acknowledgement.

Disappointments and self-rejection led to distrust. I had withdrawn too far and let contact with the outside world slip... But I also drifted off far from my natural state of being. Desperately, I tried to survive by going through my thought searching did I go wrong. Where had I overlooked the solution? I became convinced that order could be restored. That it should be and that this was my assignment.

I made up my mind and decided I was going to prove that I was worth something. My approach changed drastically and I began to pursue my passions again. But this was not driven by an intrinsic motive because even though I learned a lot about myself and life, there was this deep urge to make sure everyone knew what valuable things I had found. As if I had to convince the world that I mattered.

Although I had come quite a long way; the fear that I didn’t belong anywhere, had been replaced for the conviction that I now had to make my own place in this world. But still it was a struggle, a fight I have been in for too long. However, now it was clearly a struggle with myself. After all, I began to understand that all judgments are basically focussed on ourselves and the same counts for someone who would judge me. Judging is primarily a dialogue between me and myself and you and yourself.

I struggled for years thinking it was the right thing to do. At times I still catch myself doing it. Then I get convinced I have to be strict with myself in order to get something done, like a project for a new client, my financial safety, house cleaning, the food, my health. I now see that I was equally strict when it came to relaxing and getting rest; sent myself to bed while the rebel in me in its turn turned against it. Such inner conflict! It was as if I were playing parent and child with myself. A kind of pushing and pulling between reason and desire. But this was so exhausting.

Eventually I condemned and restrained many of my natural needs. I now see clearly how I’ve tried to manage everything in my mind and super-fast thinking. I rushed past myself; by passing my emotions and going much faster than my body could keep up with. But I’ve done that long enough.
Too long did I drag a bolder of fears and negative self-talk behind me. The pursuit of control and perfection exhausted me and got me sick.

Of course! Because no matter how much I did my best to logically understand the world and interpret my feelings, I hadn’t dared to actually surrender to them and with that I resisted life itself! Life around me and what was alive within me... I had still approached life through ideas of separation. How had I come resist everything which felt unexpected or unknown for so long? While that is the very thing which inspires, what astonishes, offers perspective, provides hope and gives new life! What a strange paradox. Perhaps it is like beauty, which can never be reconstructed but each time feels so familiar.
Old friends
In recent years I have been in contact with two old acquaintances. At first we got off to a difficult start, and we had quite some judgments about one another. But fortunately we were willing to set aside at our differences and now we begin to see the things we have in common.
We invest in our relationship and are learning to be more open about our expectations of each other. It’s giving and taking at times, but we are able to connect way more sincerely and our bond is getting stronger. We have more patience with each other, listen to what the other needs and it’s becoming a close friendship. I am very grateful we resumed our contact as we know each other from way back when... Who are these two friends you might wonder? They are my Emotions and my Body.
My mind has worked overtime. Structurally for a long time and it is a great relief to be able to pass over the control of my thoughts to these two worthy 'partners'.

Scientists recently came up with their discovery that our intestines also have a neural network. As that may be, this does not mean that I should als want to be a "smart ass".

For some time I have been meditating daily and this practice is clearly showing me that an overloaded mind runs gets carries away by anything and practically gets caught up in even the slightest distraction. It made me realise that my first thought that pops up is often merely a superficial impulse as are mostly my second and third thoughts. Only after those I touch onto my deeper intuition and compassion.
Even as I'm not sitting on my pillow, I can more easily oversee the repetitive patterns in my thinking throughout the day. And it’s getting easier to relax once I see this happen because in the by now I know that my mind’s behaviour is neither good nor bad and that there is more than that.

And about my responsibilities? I now know that these are my own choices and see; the more I forgive myself and the more friendly I am with myself, everything gets easier. My interactions become more pure, I have an increased sense of inner peace and much more space to breathe. A huge relief.


 
Follow the Sun - Xavier Rudd

1 Comment

  1. Burdy says:

    Beautiful description of your feelings Ramon. Also how your deal with them and progress with this. At my age of nearly 64 I can learn quite a thing from this. xxx

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